Give and Take

Blazing Glory

Thanksgiving is right around the corner.  Thanks is something we give away.  We don’t get to keep it.  We can’t take it from someone.  When we say “Thank you” we are usually referring to a friend, a relative, a stranger who holds the door for us, or some higher power we think might be out there directing or managing things.  Writer Anne Lamott says in her book Traveling Mercies, that the two best prayers she knows are “Help me, help me, help me” and “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”  I think this hits the nail on the proverbial head.  And I am so thankful now, as I discovered on Friday during my one year anniversary colonoscopy that I am clean and clear.  No tumors, polyps, or other foreign objects were found.  “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

Last year, I discovered that I needed the “Help Me” prayer.  I was frightened, weak, uncertain, confused.  I was living in Cancerland.  I didn’t like it there.  There are a heck of a lot of people in Cancerland, many through no fault of their own.  So many people needing help: medical, physical, psychological, spiritual.  Some able to get it from family and friends.  Some alone, disoriented and afraid.  Oh, sure they got medical treatment.  But the health care community doesn’t do much beyond treating physical symptoms.  Their help stops once they’ve administered the needles, bandages, drugs and wheelchairs.

I recall one day during my chemotherapy treatment.  I was in the infusion center.  It must have been in March, because that’s when it started to feel like it would never end. I felt so bad, I thought I’d rather just have cancer and be done with it.  Maybe this was all the life I was gonna get.  If so, I didn’t want to feel terrible for what remained of it.  I was so demoralized, so tired of fighting. That day I had a nurse that I’d never seen before. She wasn’t Nurse Ratchet, but she was not Julie, my favorite, who was warm and friendly.  I started weeping after she put the needle in my port.  She asked me if I was in pain.  I said, “I’m just so tired of this,” or something like that.  And she said, “Well, we can’t do anything about that.”  My heart sank. “May I please have some tissues?” I asked.

As she went to retrieve them, I thought, this is what’s wrong with our health care system.  There is something she could have done about that, but she was not inclined to do it.  She had other things to do, and comforting was not part of her job description.  She thought all the help she could offer was medicine and a blanket to keep me warm.  But she could have offered me a kind word.  She could have said, “I know it sucks, honey.  You are gonna make it through this.”  She could have squeezed my hand or given me a hug, or offered to bring me something sweet or warm to drink.  She could have talked to me for a few minutes, or told me a joke.  There are many ways she could have demonstrated that she was a caring human being.  And I would have been grateful and appreciative, and perhaps even a little healthier for it.

I think it is much harder to ask for help than it is to give thanks.  There is a lot of social pressure not to ask for help.  We are supposed to be self-reliant.  We don’t want to be accused of being a ‘taker’, a slacker, a schnorer. (http://www.translationdirectory.com/dictionaries/dictionary004_s.htm)  One of the complaints of the current Republicans is that we are becoming a society of takers.  The 47% that is looking for handouts, the entitlement society.  Just what is it we are entitled to anyway?  What should we expect from others and from our government? If I have the right to life and liberty, does that mean my society has to help me stay alive and free? When is it OK to say, hey I need more than just the right to pursue happiness?  I’d actually like to find it and hold it, even if it’s just for a little while.

I know there are those who feel they have been asked for too much, and they are tired of giving.  I suspect their resentment stems from not being appreciated enough.  The recipients have not been grateful.  Maybe the askers have gone to the well too many times, and now it is running dry.  That can certainly happen.  I know I have forgotten to be thankful to someone who has gifted me with time or presents.  This debt weighs on me.  The scale is out of balance.  Will a thank you note suffice?  Or do I need to do more?  A gift, perhaps.  How much thanks is enough?

But I have to think:  when I give a gift, do I expect anything in return?  Not usually.  I do it because it is either a gift-giving occasion, or I just felt like it.  I just want to say to that person – when I saw this, I thought of you.  And yet when someone does the same for me, I feel like I am remiss if I do not balance the scales somehow.  I feel as though I am in their debt.  Assistance and gratitude are like two sides of the same coin.  The yin and yang of life.  When we receive help, we give thanks.  When we give help, we receive thanks.  It’s a delicious feedback loop. As long as both sides are in balance.

This year I am whispering the “Thank You” prayer.  And as Turkey Day approaches, I want to send out my thanks again, to everyone who came to my rescue during the “Help Me” prayer days. If I could put thanks into a form, it would be a shining golden light, one that warms your heart and soul, and makes you feel that all is right with the world, even when it isn’t. That’s how your help was for me. It lit up my days, and gave me hope. I want you to know that as I get stronger every day, I am this way because of you. As we toss Help and Thanks back and forth to each other in this life, we weave a luminescent web across the miles.  We make the world a better place.  Thank you for making all of my future days bright and shiny thanks-giving days.